This Is a Shoutout to My Exes (Romances & Friendships)

So you four might be wondering why I have asked you here today. Well to be quite frank with you, you all suck. Honestly, you guys put me through so much shit and I don’t understand what I did to you to deserve the treatment. But here’s the thing, I never got the opportunity to tell you how I really feel and well now you guys are going to sit there, shut up, and listen.

First to you, Number One – my best friend all through high school and college, the person I thought would be my maid of honor, the person I thought my kids would call Auntie One. You are a big, fat liar. I looked up to you for so long and I looked after you for so long, and somewhere along the line I morphed into your shadow as opposed to your equal. And at the most intimate moment of my adult life, I turned to you. I came to you as a scared virgin to ask for your honest advice. Now you could have told me the truth, but instead you took this as an opportunity to somehow win a game that I didn’t even know we were playing. For whatever reason you had, you lied about your current relationship and how your sex life was to give me advice and made me feel like my relationship and my sex life (or lack there of) was not good enough. You made me feel like my relationship was doomed to fail because it wasn’t as sexually exciting as yours, and I believed it. And when your world came crashing down and your relationship had you literally fleeing your house, I was there for you. I was also there to learn that everything you ever told me was a lie, but by that time the damage to my relationship was done. The thoughts and doubts about the man I was with were already planted and that kind of damage cannot be undone or un-thought. You betrayed my trust in one of the worst ways a girlfriend could. But something I learned in the rubble of my first relationship and the growing pains of being a single adult was that you were stuck in high school. You thrived on competition and gossip, and you mistakenly thought my world revolved around you. I looked around at our mutual high school friends and all I thought was “I’m too old for this. I’m too old to be hanging out with these high schoolers.” So to you, thank you for teaching me the value of letting people go that you grow out of. I am also happy to report that after 4 years of silence and individual growth, we have found a casual way back to one another. And although the brief conversations are over social media and only once or twice a month, I am glad that we can have those talks. I am hoping to find you to have grown out of your high school days because I would love to get to know the new you.

Next to you, Number Two. And boy do I have a lot to say about your manipulating little ass. What makes our falling out so painful was that you were my first true guy best friend. You made my life so fun and full of adventure and life! And you knew that I wasn’t thrilled with the lack of fun I had in my relationship, which only made your adventures and good deeds seem that much more substantial to me. You planted the seeds of doubt in my head and well it worked because I started developing feelings for you, and in some way my relationship ended because I wanted to be with you. I was curious about you and I had so much fun with you that it seemed brainless, and you were all too excited and willing to have me. But we were short lived because you had to go back to college. And during our months apart, I got back together with the person I left to be with you. But then One had to go and interfere in my relationship and well, we broke up again. However, what you didn’t know was that I no longer had feelings for you – you were just my best friend and nothing more. And in the midst of my failed relationship, in the personal dilemma to understand how I became such a jerk to people I supposedly cared about, all I needed was my friend to help me understand why I didn’t recognize who was looking at me in the mirror. But what did you do? You tried to manipulate me into choosing you. I was confused, lost, and sad, and your response was to hit on me? Not ok. You tried to invoke my emotional side to get me to recall our good times together, to remind me of the feelings I had for you, to live the excitement with you again. And well it would’ve worked if I didn’t have a severe wake up call in the moment that you told me that you were going to break up with your girlfriend for me. So thank you for teaching me the importance of finding a true love – one that cannot be so easily manipulated by the nice words of someone new. Thank you for teaching me the importance of taking time to find that love, even if that love just happens to be with myself. Because when I have learned to truly love then I know that nothing will break that. And after 4 years of silence and personal growth, I am happy to report that we too have a casual friendship with one another. But I warn you, I do not want to be close to you because I know the sly words you are capable of and I will not let you disrespect or put down the love of my life with those words.

Number Three. Honestly I don’t even know how to start this because I still have no idea what happened. We didn’t know each other long but you soon became one of my best girlfriends. I appreciated your company, I loved you for the help you extended me, and I respected you for everything you chose to be for yourself. And don’t get me wrong, I still believe all of those things and more, but you confuse me. Our falling out blindsighted me because you never told me there was an issue. What’s worse is that you even told me that you expected me to just know that you were upset from your text messages. You called me rude and selfish in regards to one incident, but casually forgot everything I did for you and your friends to make sure that you had fun. And then when everything officially fell apart, you did the exact thing that makes me not like being friends with girls – you gossiped. Oh trust me, I know you did. How? Well it’s pretty easy to tell when people who I know have been following me for a while, have wanted to work with me in the past, and had frequently liked and commented on my pictures all but disappeared. Now see that would only happen if someone was telling them something personal between us, correct? But do they know the whole story? I would think not otherwise they probably wouldn’t have unfollowed me. Because if they knew the truth, guess what, they would find a lot of fault in you too. Like the fact that I tried my best to get you something you wanted but then because I couldn’t make it move fast enough for you, you told me to stop and scolded me for not telling you how long it would be (when I didn’t even know!). Or like the time that you accused me of stealing from you when I took an idea you gave me, changed a minor thing about it, and still gave you credit for the idea. Oh but because I gave design credit (not idea credit) to the person that actually designed it graphically, that’s a no go. News flash, lady, the idea you gave me is already being made by so many people on Etsy. Why aren’t you accusing them of stealing your grand idea? And last but not least, I heard through the grapevine that even after the falling out I screwed up in your eyes. During our falling out you told me to not contact you. So I ended our conversation confused and rightfully sad about your departure. I told you that I would respect your space and that hopefully we could be friends in the future. Well what you didn’t know before the falling out was that I was preparing to give you something but since the falling out happened, I didn’t want to send it to you – at least not right away. I’ve been manipulated in the past, so I know how it would come off if I sent you this gift right after a falling out. So I waited. Months. I finally sent it to you with a letter explaining why I was sending it, wishing you nothing but the best, and leaving it by saying that I 100% did not want you to feel like you needed to respond – this gift had always been for you, I wanted you to have it, and there was nothing more to it other than to give it to you. No strings attached. And you didn’t have to but you texted me saying that you had a lot to think about and that you still needed space and time to think. I didn’t respond because I wanted to respect your request for space and time. But what do I hear from other people? Oh, I didn’t apologize fast enough. If I had that gift for months, then I should have sent it sooner. You ask me to give you space, I do, but I’m still the bad guy. I continue to be punished for what happened between us. Which only makes me wonder that by me not continually apologizing that we will never be friends again. I’m not going to beg you to be my friend so if that is what you are looking for then I want to thank you for all you did for me in the time we were friends. But I respect myself too much to grovel for you to be in my life.

And lastly to you, Number Four. I have two words: fuck you. What makes you the worst person in this room is the fact that you act like you are godlier than everyone else. You pretend to be a saint but you are lying to yourself. We began our romantic relationship with one another and honestly I was so excited. Here you are, a tall, handsome, intelligent, and extremely kind guy, and I was crazy about you. I had just gotten out of my long term relationship and you were everything he wasn’t. You were a breath of fresh air and you treated me so well. So when you said you wanted to wait until marriage to be sexually intimate, I was disappointed. You told me that you made mistakes in the past with the women you had been with and that you wanted the next time you were sexually active to be with your wife. That makes sense, and it was hard to hear, but I respected your decision. But you didn’t. Alcohol tempted you to do things with me that you wanted to do. You made the decision, and I did not force your hand in the slightest. And if you recall, I always asked you beforehand if it was something you wanted to do. Also I said no to you more times than I said yes when you asked me for a good time. But every morning after, you would regret your decision and take us back to first base until finally you couldn’t take it anymore. And what couldn’t you handle? The fact that I was pressuring you into sex! Are you fucking kidding me? You can’t be serious, right?! That first night you wanted to be intimate, I said no. But you said it was fine. I said no it won’t be. An hour long back and forth until I was convinced that you were making this decision with me because I was something special. But no, you just wanted to get off, right? Because that’s what it ended up making me feel by the end of it. Because in the sober morning light of that last time between us, still tangled in the sheets, you broke up with me. Blaming me for being the person who made you do things you didn’t want to do. But as I recall, every time we did anything, you were always the first one out of your clothes. As I recall, having sex was never my suggestion – it was yours. As I recall, often times I would tell you no and ask you not to sexually tease me because I was trying to respect your decision on not having sex until marriage. But it is not my fault in the slightest that you couldn’t respect yourself enough to uphold your own rules. Because news flash, it is not my responsibility to say no for you. But because I said yes to you asking for it, I’m the devil? If you truly did not want to have sex, then you wouldn’t have suggested it. If you truly did not want to be intimate, then you would have removed yourself from the equation every time you were feeling tempted. And because you broke up with me literally ten minutes after our last encounter, that makes you the biggest ass in the room. So thank you for being everything I didn’t know you were capable of being. You have taught me nothing except that pain does make you stronger. I do not wish to ever have you back in my life because your life is a lie that you live in order to fulfill your own agenda. Whether or not that is true reality, I guess you will never know because you’ll just change the story to fit your beliefs.

So overall, to all of you, thank you for who you were to me. And I am saying that in the past tense because I truly hope to never know the people who you were and only hope the best for you on who you could be. Thank you for shaping my life in one way or another, I wouldn’t change a thing about what has happened because it has made me who I am. To One and Two, I hope some day we can grab a cup of coffee together. To Three, I hope I can somehow stop being such a bad guy in your life through my actions to respect your space. And to Four, leave me alone.

You are now dismissed.

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